What I Believe And Why
Destri Irwin
May 9, 2004
I believe that I am a gatekeeper or Shaman between the worlds. I believe that I have one foot in the present and the other in the spirit realm. With this comes the need for balance. Also being diagnosed with schizophrenia produces a need for balance between “illness” and “health”. The need for balance in my life is foremost.
If I am too much in the spiritual world I lose touch with reality – a reality as simple and complex as my own body. Without my medications I also lose touch with everyday reality. I do not know if I am tapping into another dimension or if I am tapping into myth or mythic tales.
I have come to the conclusion that I am in a physical body whose reality is as important as the spiritual reality. By taking my medications I am free to tap into the spiritual, mythical world. The constant issue in my life is balance. When I get knocked off balance I must find a way to achieve harmony.
The first time I got sick with mental illness I was in college. Simple things like watching TV, reading and listening to music became impossible for me to do. It was impossible because everyone was talking directly to me – mews reporters, etc. to do something to save the world. It has taken decades for me to be able to read and watch TV and listen to music and not feel as though I need to save the word. I know that it is impossible for me to save the world, but it felt as if the world was demanding that of me. Because of the tension I couldn’t do the most mundane ordinary things. This is why even today I have difficulties with political issues. It is the balance issue. How much can I do politically and still maintain my spiritual/personal balance? It’s a tough call. And it is still very fresh in my mind how I felt when the world wanted me to save it all those years ago.
Because of my experiences with schizophrenia I think that I am open to other realities. I have some psychic abilities, as well as my mental illness. However, when things get haywire - such as when my psychiatrist changed my medications and the change to new medication was not successful the psychic and the mental illness became a mishmash and I couldn’t tell what was up and what was down. That’s what happened two years ago when I was hospitalized. My saving grace was that I was committed to being in a physical body in a physical reality and that helped to not have a total split with reality. Even through my illness I knew certain thoughts I had were not true or real, but the thoughts were still there.
My cat Raphael plays an important part in my life. I have to feed him, clean his litter box and play with him. He is a constant companion and he has been there for me for seven years. He provides unconditional love and helps to ground me in this physical reality.
As far as religion is concerned, I tend toward Taoism – not surprisingly Taoism deals with balance, yin and yang. I also like Taoism because it is based on the goddess and birth and rebirth. This is in sharp contrast for me to the Christian, male, god-centered, crucified Christ. Jusus was a good role model, however, I take exception to eating and rinking the body and blood of Christ, no matter how symbolic some protestants make it appear. I have a BA in French and Spanish, so I am interested in the cultures of different countries. To me, the Mayans with their ritualistic killings are no different than Christians who symbolically reenact Christ’s death every month. To me it is ritualistic cannibalism which takes away from the message of God’s love.
I am ultimately a Unitarian Universalist although I believe there is a god and goddess united in love. We are the ten thousand things that are birthed through the goddess and god. Perhaps what I am saying is that I believe in the ultimate union of masculine and feminine, however that plays out in this physical reality. I believe in this life I am learning about love and balance, the yin and yang force of which I am a part.
March 23, 2004
Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Duluth
Promoting the inherent worth and dignity of every person